Ponderings

So I'm at this weird stage in a friendship where Malia and I are hanging out once, twice a week, but that's about it. And while we have a good time, I still know very little about her. I know her parents are divorced and at least her dad's remarried and one of them lives around here, but I'm not sure which one. And she has at least a sister.

So while I'm nurturing this relationship, Christmas has come and just about thrown me in a panic. Today I exchanged something I'd already bought her for something I think she'll like a bit more. It wouldn't be a big deal, but I've already done this once and I'd be a little worried if someone I knew was doing this.

Just so you don't think I'm a total neurotic, the first gift was lotions with a teddy bear. I wasn't crazy about it in the first place, 'cause it seemed so generic and a little girlfriendy. Talking with her at my Aecom party, found out she hates vanilla. So I asked her for some ideas and she threw some out there. Lady Gaga CD, socks and a couple other things. The bear goes back and I leave Target with some funky socks and Lady Gaga (I had the clerk double bag that one).

I opened the Sunday ads and saw that pretty much every store has the new season of The Office on sale for a crazy low price. I know whenever we're at Target (which is a lot for some reason) she checks out The Office DVDs. I know she watches it and I assume she's hoping for a good price. So I bring Lady Gaga back and get the latest season. I figure it's better to get 20 episodes of a TV show instead of 10 songs and besides, we both can enjoy this gift. Of course there are socks in there and some candy.

I'm just worried that if I don't get this to her soon, I'll upgrade her gift a dollar at a time until she opens a car or something. Or I get put on some government list for laundering money through the Target guest service desk.

Thoughts

Just a few notes before I head off to bed.

Am I the only one almost looking forward to going back to work? Maybe I just enjoy the repetition of the daily grind, or maybe I'm just tired of having my last few days rearranged over and over again. Either way, it'll be comforting to know what each day will bring.

Feels like every Christmas is the same. Always expecting just...more out of it. And somehow, I always feel like I get less from it. Maybe I've just watched too many Christmas movies.

Not looking forward to New Year's. A week away, I have no plans and for some reason this is eating at me. Didn't bother me the last few years. Maybe the single life is starting to take its toll. For whatever reason, it's the whole weekend/holiday combo that's really bothering me. Like I should REALLY take advantage of it and just can't.

Two Christmases

So this weekend I went to a Christmas party for each of my jobs and just had a few things to share.

Saturday night it was a party for the airport. Technically it wasn't the whole airport, just certain companies hired by DIA. It gets a little weird, so it's just easier to think of it as my DIA Christmas party. Nice little affair. Go to the Comedy Works, get your two drink tickets (which were randomly collected), eat at the buffet, watch the comedian and leave.

I struggled a little bit there just because I work waaaay away from all of those people. I'd seen a few of the faces before and heard the names, but couldn't pick any one of them out. For being a somewhat classy affair, the food service needed some serious help. Glasses of wine were FULL, to the rim and I think Malia got a Coke in a different size glass every refill. The food was ok. The green salad had two salad dressing choices, balsamic vinaigrette or none. Potatoes were either mashed or none at all. The vegetable option was creamed spinach and dessert was turtle cheesecake (no separate plates, so my cheesecake had a balsamic sauce on it). So while the sides were not allergy friendly (nuts on the only dessert choice) or appealing to the masses (creamed spinach?!), the main courses were either chicken or...beef? Couldn't really tell because neither tasted like anything. Seriously. Thankfully, someone got ahold of some salt and pepper shakers, so at least you could taste something. The comedian, I thought, did a great job. Pretty funny and didn't overstay his welcome.

So while it was a well put together party, the whole thing felt a bit sterile. People dividing into the same little cliques they have at the office. While some came to have fun, I think a lot came just to get a little face time in with the boss and make sure everyone knew what great team players they are.

The Chipotle party was the complete opposite. Since the budget for the party was around $None, it was a potluck at our own restaurant. Difficult to relax when you're sitting there watching strangers serve your regulars. One of the first things I noticed was how dressed up everyone was. For being a potluck, my jeans and Christmas T-Shirt weren't cutting the mustard. The second thing I noticed was that I only know a third of these people. Evidently, it was standard practice to bring your spouse and kids...and maybe another member of the family if they wanted.

Then came the gift exchange and that's when I started to understand what a big deal this really was to them. One guy broke out the camcorder and the squealing started. When you gave your gift, they had to come to the front, then you embraced, they showed off the present (with cheering and clapping coming from all sides) and then gave their gift out. And I don't want to offend any of my TJ friends here, but these were the nicest gifts I'd EVER seen in a secret Santa. One lady got a coat and a wallet. Another girl got Broncos gloves, hat and a scarf. I was told there was a $20 limit and I'm pretty sure MOST of the gifts blew that out of the water. And nobody said a word because they all broke the rules, and are already planning on breaking them next year as well.

Going to the parties in that order really made me appreciate the Chipotle part more. Sure it was cheap and borderline tacky, but it was a much more personal and intimate affair. They really care about each other and this was the one time a year they get to actually demonstrate that. You know, there's a reason I just can't leave this place, and I think Sunday I finally started to figure out why.

Christmas on Disc: Shortstravaganza

I know going to see a live telecast doesn't technically involve a disc, but it counts as Christmas viewing so here it is.

So this was the second live show I've seen the RiffTrax guys put on and it really feels like they improved their show. It was all riffing, all the way. This time we expected singing from Weird Al and didn't get it, they were busy riffing. No host looking overwhelmed. They show the contest winner and jump right into it. I'll try to share what I remember.

Started off with Christmas Toyshop. Santa comes to a house and tells the kids a Christmas story about a be-top-hatted spider dog that's killed by toy soldiers. There's a reason it sounds creepy.

Up next is A Visit to Santa (I think that's what it's called). Mubling kids go to sleep and are whisked away by an elf with no pants to Santa's kingdom, which looks an awful lot like someone's living room. The kids stare at dolls for a long time. Then they stare at a train set even longer. The end.

After that, Christmas Rhapsody. A tree talks about how small and lonely it is, then gets cut down, dragged through the woods and decorated up. For some reason, it's happier to be slowly dying indoors than to grow outside.

Then Weird Al comes out to help riff on Three Magic Words, a musical short about pork. Not too Christmassy, but still fits in nicely. Al contributes but isn't made to stand out either, nice balance.

My memory's a bit fuzzy here, but I think it was Christmas Dreams after that. A child throws away a doll for her new dolls, Santa comes and messes with her dreams. Rejected doll comes to life and starts a ruckus with her new toys. The child learns her lesson and loves her old doll. I'm thinking it's because she's scared of what it'll do to her if she doesn't show affection, but take it how you can get it.

Another non-Christmas short is slipped in. I can't remember the name, but it's about swimming. Starts off with a whole bunch of two second clips of people who were supposedly famous, then people swim. The momentum really slowed here for whatever reason. Most laughs were from the film itself since people in the 50's could only bellyflop or swim in what appears to be a panic. For being Olympic champions, they all looked like it was the first time they'd seen water.

And finally, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Not the good one, but a cartoon. Probably the highlight of the night, especially when Santa goes to Rudolph's bed, grabs him by the shoulders and says "I need you." SO creepy that the laughs went on over the next few riffs.

If you've got Thursday night free, catch the encore. It's a shade under two hours long and it's some of their best work yet! A sure thing when it comes on DVD.

Christmas on Disc: Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure

Shit sandwich.

Christmas on Disc: Christmas Cards

Wanting something a little...well...shorter than last night's show, I popped in a holiday classics DVD I'd received for free and watched the first Christmas episode for Taxi.

In this ep, Louie's little brother comes to town and Louie plans to get him to visit their ma and then Nicky takes her back to Vegas for a little vacation. When Nicky, professional gambler, refuses to take her, Louie backs Alex in a poker game, where it all comes down a pot of $4300, an airline ticket, a watch, Tony's shoes, 3 weeks vacation for ma, six meals, a fancy floor show and daily hugs and kisses. Not going to tell you how it ends, but one guy wins and the other loses.

This ends up being like a lot of the others I've watched. There's a loose connection to Christmas, but this story would have been perfectly acceptable in any setting. I did enjoy DeVito playing a sympathetic slime ball, a difficult role I'm sure. It's a good ep. Nothing great, nothing too special. The holiday ties are the only reason one would seek this ep out, and even that's questionable.

I couldn't help but notice there was NO Latka in this ep. Not sure where he would have fit in, but nobody else had anything major going on so he could have blended into the background with the rest of the cast. Anyway, I did a little research and this is the show that Tony Clifton was supposed to guest star in. Evidently, the regulars resented having to wait for a guest star they'd never heard of. Some even took exception to him bringing hookers on the set and trying to make up lines for them. Remember that scene from Man on the Moon? This is where it really happened.

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch Man on the Moon or read an Andy Kaufman biography. He was either brilliant or insane, but either way he was always entertaining.

Christmas on Disc: Ted!

After skipping a post last night (went to see The Princess & the Frog), I'm back with another British entry. Technically, Father Ted is a show about Irish priests in Ireland as written by an Irishman, but it's on the BBC so that settles that.

For whatever reason, a lot of English shows seem to make a Christmas special, sometimes it's out of continuity, sometimes it's a reunion show to tie up loose ends and other times they're just extra long eps with a little Christmas flavor added. Father Ted's Christmas special falls in the latter category.

Fathers Ted and Dougal go shopping for a Christmas present for their housekeeper. While in the huge department store, they get lost in the lingerie section and run into another group of priests. And then another. Fearing scandal, Ted safely leads them away from undergarments and is rewarded with a Golden Cleric. A long forgotten friend shows up just in time for the ceremony, but really just to steal the award.

That's pretty much the whole show. With the exception of the lingerie sequence (borrowing heavily from war movies), the rest of the show is not that great. It's hard to believe this is a special when then story is lamer than nearly every normal episode and there are just a handful of Christmas jokes thrown in to make sure we all know it's a Christmas show. Sure there are funny jokes and situations, but there's nothing special here. Really not worth saving for Christmas and since it's on a separate disc than all of the other episodes, it barely qualifies for a spot in my regular rotation. Only the die hard Ted fans will want to sit through this more than annually. If you're using the holiday as an excuse to expose friends and family to Father Ted, you'll be much better off with Are You Right There Father Ted ("I hear you're a racist now, Father), or really any other ep in the series.

Christmas on Disc: No Words Necessary

Tonight I watched Merry Christmas Mr. Bean and every time I watch it I love it. Hard to summarize, since there's no real plot to the show, but I can tell you some of the standout bits. It starts with Bean in a department store where he plays with the nativity scene. Best part of this, it isn't offensive at all and it just feels like a little kid playing with his toys. Then he conducts the Salvation Army band before finding a Christmas tree. Then we watch him prepare for Christmas Day by hanging stockings up for himself, his teddy bear and a mouse, all of this is after he mails his Christmas cards...to himself. Christmas morning he checks the stockings (his held the match so he could wear Christmas socks) and prepares to make, by my estimate, a 50 pound turkey for him and his girlfriend. After prying the turkey off his head (don't ask), Bean and his lady exchange gifts. Only one is happy.

This is perfect for the whole family to watch after Christmas dinner. Hardly a word is spoken and, let's face it, the appeal of Mr. Bean is that he's just a grown up six year old. Nothing blasphemous, no language, nothing even remotely off color. It really feels like Atkinson just saved up bits that were specific to Christmas until he had enough to do a whole show.

American audiences will recognize the head stuck in a turkey routine from the Bean movie (and EVERY commercial for it showed that scene), except this time it's funny. And while the astute among us will see the bad gift exchange coming a mile away, the second gift Bean gives her is just the icing on that cake.

I can't recommend this enough. If you'll be spending time with any little ones, get your hands on this. If not, then watch it whenever you get the chance. It's a perfect marriage of Christmas themes and Mr. Bean at his finest. My favorite bits, the nativity scene and Bean conducting the band are both in this clip. I'm sure you could find the other pieces to this if you were so inclined.

Christmas on Disc: A Colbert Christmas

Did a little NetFlixing for this one. It's basically everything you expect from Colbert, gimmicky, full of cliches, borderline offensive and a lot of fun. The opening song and dance makes the whole show worthwhile. Insane dancing, special effects so bad they're a joke (literally) and a tune that won't get out of your head.

Past that, it goes the standard way of all variety shows. A plot so thin you can see through it while musical guest after guest stops by for a song. The only real saving grace there is the top caliber of stars he got, Willie Nelson, Elvis Costello, Feist, John Legend and Toby Keith. All big names and while it's apparent some of their hearts just aren't in it (I'm looking at you Toby), others give it all they have (There's a reason Costello's practically a co-star in this). Legend seems to have a terrible time just delivering lines, but it's all soul once the band starts. Truth be told, it's all pre-recorded music, and that makes it even more tragic when I see a bored star on screen sounding bored. Guess it fits.

As you'd expect, Colbert does a lot of shilling and it IS a little strange to watch a DVD where they're advertising for that DVD, but it's all in fun and everyone who's watching knew it was coming.

Past that, there's an Advent calendar, alternate endings and an extra song. My favorite special feature is a video of a yule log, only in this video they throw a stack of books on top to burn every few minutes. Something that'd be great to just sneak into a party and wait for someone to notice.

This is what I'm looking for in a Christmas show. It's all about Christmas and good old fashioned fun. Can't imagine busting this out to watch any other time, but definitely something to watch Christmas Eve.

Christmas on Disc: RiffTrax

Since I'm going to go see their live show next week, I figured I'd get warmed up and watch a little Christmas riffing. So tonight it's Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

So imagine a depressing Rudolph ripoff and that's pretty much what you've got. I think Nestor is supposed to be so ugly he's cute. It doesn't work. And instead of catchy little songs, it's more like one verse of the same song between scenes. Country music too, to make sure it appeals to a very specific group.

So it goes, 2000 years ago there's this hideous donkey and his mom. Some Roman guards come to take some animals and end up stealing them when they see Nestor's ears. Shafted out of some money, the stable boy throws Nestor out into the winter night. Thankfully, Mama runs out to keep him warm. And she freezes to death overnight, a tired cliche of every Christmas special.

Then Nestor meets a cherub, why not? Once they get close to Bethlehem, the Cherub backs into Heaven and Nestor is put up for sale and nobody buys him again. I don't want to spoil the whole thing, but two certain people come to buy Nestor for a ride to the city. A sandstorm threatens the whole trip, but then Nestor's crazy ears hear angels and his dead mother who all lead him to the city. Since the city's overcrowded it was Nestor's idea to bring them all to a cozy stable. Look it up. Oh, and Santa, the elves and reindeer show up at the end too.

It's not the greatest RT product they've done. It's only Mike and while he's good, he really shines when working off of someone else. Disembaudio is there for some dialogue, but a grating computer voice doesn't provide for a meaningful conversation during a kid's Christmas special.

It's really seasonal, but so depressing that it'd only bring the holiday down. Trying to ripoff Rudolph while making it more religious makes it a poor example of either side of Christmas. Combine that with the overall weaker product and I save this for a night like tonight. Close to Christmas, but absolutely nothing special and even then, I only watch it because it isn't good enough to qualify for regular viewing.

Christmas on Disc: Bang

Sorry I dropped the ball on this one so early. Spent the weekend with a visiting friend so I didn't have a lot of time to watch DVDs and blog.

Of course, that's assuming anyone even noticed.

Anyhow, tonight I watched an ep from the second season of The Big Bang Theory. There are really only two stories in this, but it feels like it'll be difficult to explain. Guess we'll just see what happens.

Penny asks where she can put the Christmas presents she bought for Sheldon and Leonard. This, naturally, panics Sheldon who spends the rest of the show shopping for the ideal gift for her. Eventually he buys an assortment of soap baskets and plans to give her the appropriate one once he's opened his gift and checked its price online. On the other side, Penny starts hanging out with a visiting scientist and doing all the things with him that she never had time to do with Leonard.

I like the setup here, since it appeals to everyone. There's a Christmas story and another segment in the Penny/Leonard saga. The opening is another discussion about Superman (how does he get Kryptonian sweat out of his costume?) that would fit in any ep while the end is the opening of gifts. Won't ruin it for you, but nothing Sheldon could buy would ever match up to what Penny got him.

But for some reason, this just doesn't scream Christmas to me. Maybe it's just my love for the show, but this feels right at place in the DVD rotation any time of the year. I can't imagine saving this just for Christmas. Great show, but no holiday special.

Christmas on Disc: Hooray for Santy Claus!

Today I popped in one of my birthday presents, Cinematic Titanic: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It's somewhat important to me and my ilk because it's the first time some of the group from MST3k reriffed a previous show. So while there are no real skits or songs (The MST ep of the movie gave us A Patrick Swayze Christmas to jumpstart a holiday tradition), all of the jokes are new and some of the movie that was edited to fit into the 90 minute slot has been left in and riffed for the first time.

The movie is awful with terrible acting, cardboard sets and a meandering story, so it's appropriate that I have it twice riffed. To be honest, a RiffTrax of this movie would still be welcome in my collection, so here's hoping. Hard to summarize what the whole thing is about, but Martian children are depressed so some of the adults kidnap Santa. Things happen without anything really happening and then Santa goes back. Oh yeah, and earth kids get kidnapped and returned with him.

But I've never watched this movie for its own sake, but to be torn apart by a group of silhouettes and they completely deliver. Though they may have gotten a little more snarky over the years, the material is still funny, even making reference that some of the CT crew have seen the movie before. My favorite part is when they're showing all of the missiles getting prepared to fire and Frank exclaims, "That reminds me of a giant penis!" and Josh answers, "Uh Frank, we're going to need you to try a little harder." Instead of making a joke, they make a joke about how they're out of appropriate jokes there. Love it.

This is definitely a Christmas show. The whole thing is about Santa and even the little conversation the riffers have before the movie starts is about RSVPing to their mandatory Christmas party. Funny enough for every day viewing, but seasonal enough to leave on while eating your Christmas goose.

Christmas on Disc: Yankee Swap!

Tonight I watched the first Christmas episode of the Office and was reminded how much I love this show. For a long time it was my favorite episode (replaced by The Dinner Party) and it wasn't long before I realized why. It has everything one could want in an episode.

• Toby getting verbally abused.
• Jim getting mushy over Pam.
• Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
• Meredith's drinking problem.
• A glimpse into Creed's personality.
• Michael acting like a jerk and then making up for it.
• Ryan deals with Michael's man crush.

If you haven't seen it, I'll give you the short version. Michael ruins the Secret Santa by buying Ryan a video iPod, going well past the $20 limit. When Michael gets a home knitted oven mitt, he changes it to Yankee Swap, Dirty Santa, White Elephant or whatever your family calls it. Jim's sweet gift for Pam gets stolen and Michael's thrilled to see everyone wants his gift ("It's like a Christmas miracle!"). After everyone is upset by either what they received or who ended with what they bought, the boss goes out and gets 15 bottles of vodka to get his staff of 20 plastered. In an odd Christmas twist, booze makes everything better and they have the Christmas party Michael always wanted.

This ep still makes me laugh. Lots of great lines for holiday and everyday use ("Bunch of wet blankets. Like alcohol ever killed anyone.") plus a few story arcs got advanced. Am I the only one wondering if the Dwight/Kelly thing will ever come up again? It's the perfect episode for anyone who's seen the show and it really is appropriate for the season since the entire show takes place on the day of their Christmas party. If you haven't seen this one, check it out (I'm pretty sure it's on Hulu and other places. If you've already seen it, take a nice snowy night to get reacquainted, it's aged quite well.

Christmas on Disc: Day 1

I figure this would be a good time of the year to drag out all of my old Christmas movies and TV shows since most of them never see the light of a summer day. Figure while I'm doing this, I'd let you all join in on the fun. Or at least read about the fun I'm having.

I started off with Dr. Katz, one of my favorite shows. In the ep titled Office Management, Laura calls in to take a personal day and Ben convinces the doc that this means she's dissatisfied with her job. To help Laura get her groove back, Katz throws an office Christmas party for his office which would be nicer if he had more employees than just Laura.

I'll admit that this one does sneak into my regular rotation, but I tried to watch this one in a festive frame of mind. It wasn't easy because it's not the most Christmassy show I've ever seen. Really, it only mentions Christmas at the end when Laura shows up to the party and immediately tries to abandon ship. Dr. Katz and Ben trying to sing Jingle Bells in a round through the credits is worth watching the whole show for.

Personal highlights for me are the patients, Ray Romano and Carol Leifer, two pretty big names doing some of their better material. Romano talks about going to the mom and pop casinos in Vegas where instead of Keno a waitress comes up to the table and says, "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10..." Leifer explains why no woman has ever read Playgirl, "If you want to see a naked guy, all you have to do is ask him."

A really good ep, but not worth saving for Christmas Eve with the fireplace going. Watch it any day of the year and if you think they're having a Christmas party just to make things kooky, that makes it all the more interesting.

And if you're playing along at home, tomorrow it'll be the first Christmas ep of the American Office.