Another Cinematic Adventure

Imagine you had a video camera, $1000 an a closed ski resort. You'd probably make a movie just like Frozen. Haven't heard of it? Neither has anyone else.

Three people, Iceman (better known as the brother of Jimmy Olsen on Smallville) and a dating couple get stuck on a ski lift when the resort closes on Sunday night. Not a big deal except they don't reopen until next Friday. Oh, and it's cold.

As usual, things will be spoiled. I'd hate to upset the rabid Frozen fanbase.

We kill the first 15 minutes of screen time watching the trio try to bribe the ski lift operator into letting them ski the rest of the day. I know what you're thinking, it's a setup for what happens later in the movie. Nope, it doesn't affect anything. Then Iceman meets a cute girl with a jealous boyfriend. Turns out they're exes just trying to be friends and that setup leads to nothing else in the movie. Later in the lodge the camera lingers on a big missing poster setting up...nothing. I haven't resented a movie this much in a long time. Turns out that everything that happens in this movie is ONLY for the immediate purpose. Nothing affects future events and an eye for detail is rewarded with dry eyes.

Picking up the pace of the blog, they get stuck on the lift. The girl immediately panics and within five minutes the trio is in hysterics. They see a plow and start throwing things. Big shock, it doesn't work. Macho boyfriend decides after what appears to be two hours to jump and walk to the lodge. Turns out that jumping 40 feet and trying to stick the landing in ski boots is a bad idea. We're treated to his legs snapping like celery. After establishing that he's essentially dead ("It's pretty bad!") he gets eaten by wolves! Just so we all know, it's either freeze to death or get eaten by wolves if you survive the fall. I guess the idea of watching people bleed to death wasn't exciting enough. Best part, he apparently does nothing to fight the wolves. Really lost his fight with his legs.

Iceman tries to work his way to a ladder on the rope, but has to go back when his friend's getting eaten. Oh, and that metal cable shreds his hands. Then it turns into the Blair Witch Project. He blames her, she blames him etc. She's getting frostbite on her face and over and over again he FREAKS and tells her not to touch it.

Girl pees herself and cries. We all get to watch.

She wakes up with her hand frozen to the safety bar. Like we all learned, she rips that layer of skin right off. Iceman, as you'd expect, is impervious to all of this. Her frostbite's bad. DON'T TOUCH IT! Now they're friends and he decides that after a day of hunger and freezing it's time to try the cable thing again. This time it works. He gets to a different chair and hers starts to come loose. She throws his ski pole by the ladder and misses by a longshot. Too bad, 'cause he needs that once he gets down to the wolves, who've come to watch and wait for him to fall. Eventually he fights them off and works his way down the hill.

The next day girl is tired of waiting. That's good, 'cause her lift falls and she's saved by the safety line. She lands good, but the safety line breaks (naturally) and the chair lands on her foot. She hobbles down the slope and finds the wolves. Thankfully, they're too busy chewing on Iceman to notice her. She finds a road and lays there until a car comes for her. A guy immediately picks her up, because that's what you should do when you find an injured person and the movie's over. Oh, and the terrifying frostbite is pretty much just a small scab on her face. I was waiting for chunks to start falling off like she was a leper. Nope. Didn't even get to see her nose crack away.

I'll admit the idea kind of works because it actually is somewhat plausible, but any hint of reality immediately drops away the second a wolf wanders on screen. It's like watching people treading water in the middle of an ocean when sharks start showing up. Just the environment is scary and lethal enough, the animals aren't really an added incentive to seek safety. I know that problems can't be easily solved or there really wouldn't be a movie, but Iceman moves on the cable using just his gloved hands. He doesn't kick his feet up. He doesn't try to zipline down or anything like that. We're supposed to be impressed at how determined he was, but I ended up laughing because there were better ways to do it. Every second you're thinking of a way out and every second they're making another bad decision. In the end, I kind of felt like they deserved it. I can't even walk in ski boots, let alone land a huge drop in them. The girl throws her glove down to get the plow's attention. Just about every misfortune that happens is their own fault so it's hard to feel any empathy at all for them.

That said, I was greatly satisfied with this one. I was looking for a bad, cheesy movie and Frozen delivered in spades. If it happens to be in a theater around you and you're tired of Avatar, check it out. You won't be disappointed in your disappointment.